Post 2

Whenever I am discussing my condition or body in general, I see the body and oneself as two separate things that need to work together. They need to be a team to function properly and perform. I felt that with this issue, my body is fighting against me and that is often a difficult thing to contend with.

The issue is particularly enlightened when mentioning ones manhood. You need to be a team more than ever, whatever the context and when all this started happening it was a confusing time. It felt like my body had shut down, unwilling to cooperate for the simplest of things like going for a wee! However in the early stages, when I realised I would have to permanently self catheterise, I was told I could meet a urology nurse who would be able to show me how to use these new mythical objects to regain a little bit more control and have an understanding of this new way of life.

It was massively reassuring so I headed to the hospital with a slight sense of trepidation.  Again I found myself being the youngest person in the room by at least 30 years but I had become accustomed to that. I was called in to meet the nurse to find my new way of life.

The nurse was burley and quite rumbustious, I was expecting things to be quite tender and soft considering the nature of what we were talking about. She showed me this green tube, which seemed like something out of a science fiction movie and quickly showed me diagrams of what to do. Now I understand that there really isn’t much to show, this tube was going to help me pass urine and go to the toilet, there are only so many places it can go. But it didn’t make it any easier, or make any more sense. Before I knew it I was alone, in the toilet having to navigate it on my own. I wasn’t sure at all but I gave it a go and it must have worked to an extend because as the tube went up, urine trickled out so maybe it wasn’t as big a deal as I was making it out to be.

I left that day, still feeling confused. Was this going to be forever? Why had it actually happened and what was going on down there? She was only a nurse, she didn’t really know the answers but nobody seemed to be there who did. It was an unusual time. I had so much going on at the time it was easy to assume it was all related to my neurological condition but was it just a coincidence? This was another key example of just feeling alone, I had nobody to talk to about it and felt like I was the only person going through it.

A few days passed and I realised that things were not quite right. It just didn’t feel right when I was inserting the catheter; I felt like a moron, how could such a simple thing go so wrong? Before I knew it I was back in A & E feeling very unwell and back to square one. The hospital stay was another unpleasant one and I was going around in swings and roundabouts. I soon ended up back in front of the same nurse, slightly perplexed and diminished. We went again and this time I realised I wasn’t going up far enough, adding that extra layer of pain. I felt so angry. Why could she just not have helped me more in the first place? It all felt a little to late. I had just started a new job and had to explain to them what was going on when I didn’t really know myself. It was constantly dragging me backwards.

There was such a disconnection between me, my body and it felt like everyone else. I felt very alone and I don’t blame anyone else in a similar situation that feels the same. However just around the corner there was hope of a turn around, which provided a rather interesting experience.